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Joke of the Day

"""What'd you do this weekend?"" I was shooting craps. ""Oh you went to a casino?"" *flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah."

"My greatest fear is sitting in front of thousands of people while my Google search history is being read aloud."

"This will be my first valentines with a girlfriend. Anyone have any ideas to help make it great? I'm 17, can drive and have a source of income. I would really like to make this one good."

"when i die use my ashes to fill souvenir snowglobes to mimic the death rain of the apocalypse pouring down on a vacant cityscape. very metal"

"What language do bill boards use? Sign language."

"What do polar bears have for lunch ? Ice burger !"

"A pirate walks into a bar and has a ship's wheel sticking out his crotch. 'Does that not hurt?' asks the bartender. To which the pirate replies: 'Yaarr, it's driving me nuts!'"

"What is a pirate's least favorite letter? Dear Sir/Ma'am We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons: Illegal Downloading"

"Nobody Carries A Tiffin To A Restaurant. Wife: Why Arent You Taking Me With You To Bangkok? Husband: Because Nobody Carries A Tiffin To A Restaurant. ""If U Didn't Get It Go Watch Pogo"":p"

"I was walking along the road the other day when I saw a dead, baby ghost... ...however if I think about it it was probably a handkerchief"