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Joke of the Day

"My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings."

"If you're looking for the best time to spill things on yourself, might I suggest wearing a white shirt and right before an interview."

"Twitter is the ideal medium for people who think of something clever to say five minutes after the opportunity has passed."

"I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar."

"I married a beautiful woman - a smart one too. Hopefully they'll never meet."

"Jimmy: What has 100 legs but can't walk? Johnny: 50 pairs of pants? Jimmy: No, A centipede. Jhonny: What? why? Jimmy: Because I squished it"

"I don't go to Applebee's often I know how to microwave my own meals"

"Theres 3 types of people. Those who post old jokes on reddit, and those who can count."

"Did you know ISIS has its own sex toy factory? There specialise in blow up dolls"

"Co-worker: Did you see that play in the Super Bowl? Worst decision ever. Me: Really? Aren't you married?"