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Joke of the Day

"""Yes, I'm still single and underemployed, but at least I'm not MARRYING CHARLES MANSON"" --women at family holiday gatherings from now on"

"Being clean and sober' means I've showered and I'm headed to the liquor store."

"The Secret Service has come up with a new plan for protecting our president-elect. In the event of an armed attack, they will yell ""Donald, duck!"""

"""I think this cereal has gone bad."" *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*"

"AC Jokes We're not a fan."

"What's worse than a Jimmy John's full of dead babies? A Subway full of live ones."

"KING ARTHUR: ...and that is our noble quest. REPORTER: K, great. What shape is your table? A: Um, round? But that's not really... R: Got it"

"What department store is named after the things jews hate the most and love the most? JC Penney. ^I'm ^^going ^^^to ^^^^hell."

"Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request."

"I had an Epiphany while in the strip club... ... but I don't think that was her real name."