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Joke of the Day

"What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of semen and makes all of the ladies scream? The sock under my bed."

"*First Date Her: Why are we at Home Depot? Me: I wanted to see what it's like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it."

"My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry."

"Sell a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man how to fish and you just lost a customer."

"If you are an American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom? European"

"The Pope and Raquel Welch are stranded on a life boat They're out on the ocean and, yada yada yada, and she says, ""Those aren't buoys"""

"I didn't spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets."

"30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion"

"No thank you GPS. I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger's seat who knows everything."

"[Putting petrol in car] 19.95 19.96 19.97 [stops] [gently now] 19.98 [very gently] 19.99 [ok, once more] [deep breath] 37.83 GODDAMMIT"