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Joke of the Day

"[Putting petrol in car] 19.95 19.96 19.97 [stops] [gently now] 19.98 [very gently] 19.99 [ok, once more] [deep breath] 37.83 GODDAMMIT"

"The guy who invented throat lozenges just died... I heard there will be no coffin at his funeral."

"I want to start my own ice cream brand and call it ""Lick Me Till"". Lick me till ice cream..."

"What has two legs and bleeds? Half a puppy."

"GARY: ""You wanna?"" BARRY: ""Ugh. Jesus OK."" (Siamese twins deciding to masturbate)"

"A dyslexic man walks into a bra. ....."

"I think my wife is changing our son's diapers too often. It says right on the box that they're good for up to 14lbs."

"I'm sad because I don't have an Xbox. Someone console me."

"If I had a nickel each time I had sex. I'd have a 12$/hr job!"

"Why are there so many fish in the sea? They're always getting hooked up"