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Joke of the Day

"The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other."

"Every time I use <3 in an @ to someone, I can't help but think, ""Please accept this carrot with balls as a token of how much I heart you."""

"After working long and hard for my PhD people finally recognize me.. As the neighborhood pizza Hut delivery guy now."

"To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???"

"Anybody have plans to stare at their phone someplace exciting this weekend?"

"What's the difference between gluten and hillbillies? One's inbred, the others in bread"

"I'm writing a book about common Mexican names... I'm gonna call it ""50 Shades of Jose"""

"Beyonce: 'Who run the world?' Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar."

"Skinny= Anorexic Thick= Obese. Virgin= Too good. Non-Virgin= Slut. Friendly= Fake. Quiet= Rude. It seems like you can never please society"

"My vacuum cleaner is so good it collects dust even when I don't use it."