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Joke of the Day

"WIFE: *motions to me that she's choking* ME: *immediately dials 911* 911: what the emergency ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them"

"So it was my 18th birthday the other day... Maybe now I can help my dad find those cigarettes he's been looking for the last 12 years."

"What should you never ask at a gay bar? Can I push your stool in?"

"What did the white high school dropout get for his birthday? A legacy scholarship for his second choice school"

"A man starts having a heart attack mid flight... Person: Is anyone here a doctor? Vegan: I'm a vegan"

"As I get older my tastes are changing, for instance I used to not like brussels sprouts but now I don't like people."

"Cashier's playing dumb cause I said ""venti"" at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got."

"Q: Where do you look for blonde's obituaries? A: Under ""Home Improvements."""

"I went to an erectile dysfunction meeting today. Nobody else came."

"What do floppy disks and Jesus have in common? They both had to die to become the icon of saving."