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Joke of the Day

"Attractive person: Hi. Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?"

"I wish I was just like my nose And all it takes is spicy food to get me to run."

"I got the lyrics wrong and partied like it's 1599. Now my kitchen smells like roast peacock and I can't get this horse off my couch"

"On medication is the BEST time to operate heavy machinery"

"What do you call a quote with inhuman like abilities? A Super Saying"

"You know you've had too much to drink when you ask Siri to drive you home."

"You mean ""apps"" isn't short for ""appetizers""? Why did I buy this smart phone if it can't download nachos?"

"Did you hear about the naked guy swimming in the river in Paris? He was in Seine"

"The waiter came up to my table and said, ""Can I take your order?"" I said, ""Sure."" He said, ""Thanks, I'm just really hungry."""

"I know all the subjects of Hillary Clinton's emails, ask me anything [Deleted]"