180123

Joke of the Day

"TIL that there is enough oxygen on earth to cover the entire planet!! How crazy is that!"

"My mother in law bought a talking parrot, but returned it a week later. ""This parrot hasn't spoke a single word."" She complained. ""I haven't had a fucking chance to!"" Replied the parrot."

"How do you piss off a white guy? Tell him he is racist."

"What did the banana say to the vibrator? Why are you shaking? She's going to be eating me!"

"If I had a nickel for every time some didn't understand me I'd make more cents."

"I will marry the next person who just shows up here with a container of hummus."

"My neighbor is crazy. After playing some Justin Bieber at high volume at 7 o'clock this morning, he commited suicide by shooting himself 8 times in the back with my gun."

"What do Arabs and the Japanese have in common ? They both like bombs"

"My grandpa said that this generation relies too much on technology. I told him his generation relied on it more. Then I unplugged his life support."

"""Hi I'm looking for a birthday card for my mom's sister"" *hands you an extremely small card* ""WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS"" Yes ""Perfect"""