164426

Joke of the Day

"I will marry the next person who just shows up here with a container of hummus."

"A fly walks into a bar... and asks: ""Is this stool taken?"""

"TIL that Funimation has an unreleased Dragon Ball Z episode where they just improved the whole script. Oops. Wrong dub. (Real oops. Meant to type improvised)"

"What is all that useless flesh around a woman's vagina? The woman."

"Why can you never catch an economist masturbating? They use an invisible hand."

"How many Freudian scientists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change the lightbulb and the other to hold the penis LADDER I MEANT LADDER!!"

"#ThoughtsInMyHead 1. How much wine can a cat drink? 2. How do you resuscitate a drunk cat? 3. Will they do an autopsy on a dead cat?"

"My wife says ""Don't walk away when I'm talking to you"" when 1. she's not talking, she's yelling, and 2. I'm not walking away, I'm retreating"

"The element of surprise is the best element on the periodic table Because you don't even know it's there."

"So I was in my house masturbating... and my sister comes up to me all indignant like. She asks me what the hell is wrong with me. I reply that she should knock before coming into her room."