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Joke of the Day

"Facebook asks me what I'm thinking. Twitter asks me what I'm doing. 4square asks me where I am. Conclusion: the Internet is my girlfriend."

"A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it's actually one of the only games you can't lose twice"

"I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas."

"Whats the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a women's track team? A tribe of pygmies is a bunch of cunning runts."

"FB lets you write your sex in now, so I have officially become a hat."

"It's funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing"

"[tells friend cat passed away] Is there anything I can do? Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap But I- [starts crying] OK OK"

"The wife said she's leaving me because she's sick of doing absolutely EVERYTHING for me. If you're wondering why she's typed everything' in capitals,it's to emphasize the point."

"An albino guy walks into a tattoo parlor... ...the tattooist looks him over, and asks ""So... what do you want?"" The albino guy replies, ""BEIGE. EVERYWHERE."""

"What do you call a group of scientologist almonds? Nuts."