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Joke of the Day

"Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can't chase you because they're holding scissors. The perfect crime."

"My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner."

"Covering your ears and screaming ""OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN"" is not appreciated by your coworkers. Apparently."

"What do you call the gap between a pair of fake boobs? Silicone Valley. edit: spelling"

"Why did the old lady fall into the well? Because she couldn't see that well"

"I wish I would have listened to my grandma when she told me one day I'd regret not focusing harder on my hitman career."

"[3 days into dieting] *sees ad for burger & fries* *drowns in his own saliva*"

"Like father, like son Son: Dad, why do people suffer so much in life? Dad: ... for the final five push-ups."

"I like my women like I like my _____ (Fill in the blank)."

"Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they're the type to corner & chat me up and I don't know what to do HI LAURA"