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Joke of the Day

"VAN GOGH: Go on, open it. You'll like it. Much better than last year. GIRL: It isn't another ear is it, Vince? VAN GOGH: what"

"I'm guessing that most people who claim to ""count calories"" are really bad at math."

"Why should you wrap your hamster in duct tape? So it won't explode when you fuck it."

"*therapist writes in pad* Me: Sometimes I feel like people don't notice me- *therapist jumps* Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?"

"I hate it when I'm on twitter & there isn't a car behind me to honk when the light is green."

"When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say ""There, their, they're."""

"SpongeBob Wait, I just realised something. SpongeBob lives in bikini bottom, and he's absorbent: oh no..."

"Today was my first time handling a... ....wet pussy. I didn't realize the risk involved! The cat scratched the shit out of me and eventually escaped from its bath."

"[outpost in the Arctic Circle] ""I'm quitting, here's my 2 week notice"" BOSS: The days last 6 months here ""Sonofa..."""

"I have now been sober for eighteen months. Not in a row..."