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Joke of the Day

"I'd make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they'll work themselves out."

"So, we're arguing and I've suddenly realized I don't agree with a word I'm saying. Which really ups the degree of difficulty for winning."

"Child: ""Mom! Mom! The dog is having it off and is f*cking!"" Mom: ""Yeah, then don't look!"" --- ___ --- ___ --- | --- ___ --- 20 seconds later the Child: ""But it hurts..."""

"*Condom Co* [ok, don't let them know ur a frog] ""Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?"" ME: Ribbit ""Genius"""

"Saw a white guy putting daisies in masa. He was trying to make flower tortillas."

"When I ask my wife if she wants help, she changes the subject and asks if a bear shits in the woods, like I'm some sort of bear scientist."

"My dad died of severe hemorrhaging, and my best friend was disabled by ischemia. Different strokes for different folks, I guess."

"What is heavier -- 200 pounds of bricks or 200 pounds of feathers? 200 pounds of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds."

"I couldn't get an erection while having sex with my wife... So I took her to a nice dinner. There was no hard-feelings."

"How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just two, as long as there's a bed inside."