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Joke of the Day

"*shipwrecked diary* Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab Day 2: crab seems untrustworthy Day 3: CRA B LEAR N ING TO WRI TE"

"How do you make holy water? Put it in a pot and boil the hell out if it."

"Guys, when she complains about something you didn't do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok! You're welcome!"

"I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill"

"The worst thing about pedophiles is... ...they're all fucking immature assholes."

"Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says, ""I think we're doing this joke wrong""."

"The name ""groundhog"" suggests the presence of sea and skyhogs and I am not sure how I feel about that."

"What do you call a night watchman with deep-set self-esteem issues? An insecurity guard "

"The string of expletives that poured from my mouth when I woke up at 3 pm to realize my alarm didn't go off was pure smut poetry"

"Why did Mrs. Quartz divorce Mr. Quartz? He took her for granite."