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Joke of the Day

"All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt"

"What's the Difference between a cactus, and a BMW? A cactus has the prick on the outside."

"I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship."

"Somewhere there's a DJ Tanner spinning to a full house and that's what keeps me going you guys."

"Armless Alice Q. Why did Alice fall off the swing? A. Because she has no arms. Q. Knock knock? *who's there?* A. Not Alice..."

"On what should you mount a statue of your cat ? A caterpillar !"

"Carl: ""It's chilly out."" Me: ""Tell me something I don't know."" ""Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials."" ""Fair enough, Carl."""

"WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti? ME:Better. WIFE:Better? ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*"

"BOSS: You ok? ME: Yeah, why? BOSS: You have a sign that says ""2 Days Without Being Annoyed"" [maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]"

"What's the biggest lie of the election? Voting machines aren't hackable."