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Joke of the Day

"How is religion like a penis? You can have a penis, and you can be proud of your penis, but don't shove your penis in my face."

"If I had a nickel for every time I was right and my parents were wrong. . . I would owe more than what America owes China."

"There's an app to show who's unfollowed you lately? Damn, that sounds depressing. If my number drops I just assume it's because they died."

"ME: in closing, all of the facts I've presented today prove that Bush did 911 PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written"

"how can you tell..... how can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat? when she sits on your face you can no longer hear the background music"

"""Haha, Imagine Dragons. What a dumb band name."" -Neutral Milk Hotel fans"

"I met a famous American comedian on a White House tour I walked up to him, tapped him on the shoulder and said, ""Hey, I thought you retired in 2009?"""

"What do you have when lounge chairs multiply? - Baby Sitters. Two chaise... - that's Sofa King Funny!!"

"[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?"

"Sorry I yelled, ""Sweep the leg!"" when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend. But I stand by my advice."