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Joke of the Day

"What do you call a burger made from 50% beef and 50% veal? Half Calf"

"Anytime I fly over the exact spot a time zone changes, I yell ""88 MILES PER HOUR!!!!"""

"I'm glad I'm not invited to Joan Rivers' funeral. She might be cremated and I hate the smell of burning plastic. Too soon?"

"My favorite knock knock joke * knock knock * -whose there? * hapch * -hapch who? * Bless you!"

"I'm gradually figuring out what the best lighting options are for my house. It's a process of illumination."

"[first date] ""You're not into anything weird right?"" -not at all *gestures to my ferret army to fall back*"

"What does Helen Keller call her dog? Nothing. She's dead."

"A shampoo manufacturer had an accident. ..he suffered injuries to his head and shoulders."

"Stop changing your profile picture in a desperate attempt to get compliments."

"My dad turns 60 today. Only 9 more years until I can make the kind of jokes that'll show him what a shining beacon of disappointment I am."