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Joke of the Day

"Hard to believe that Twitter is six years old. Seems like just yesterday that I spoke to my family."

"Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?"

"I made a line of soda called Bad Wifi It's not doing so well, everyone keeps saying it isn't refreshing."

"In my experience, less than 40% of people wearing ""Duke"" sweatshirts are actual dukes"

"The first rule of tautology club ... is the first rule of tautology club"

"*puts baby marshmallows on a porcupine* There you go little guy. Now you're bouncy."

"My haircuts are just like my sex life Usually do it myself and there's a big mess I hate cleaning up afterwards."

"Jesse James married my sister. He's know my brother out-law"

"Joke: What does it imply when a tick is found on a vagina? That you may have to pull out. Just wanted to ask whether this is a keeper."

"So what are you doing today?? ""So what are you doing today?"" - ""Nothing."" - ""What the heck, you were doing nothing the whole day yesterday!"" - ""That's right, and I'm not finished yet."""