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Joke of the Day

"I think the government just un-friended us."

"Open bar at my funeral; just because I'm dead doesn't mean I forgot how to fucking party."

"Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers."

"What do you call a woman who pleasures herself with a vegetable? Mrs Hawking."

"A girl told me how hard it is for her to gain weight. I said it's hard for me NOT to. We had a good laugh & then I punched her in the face."

"Why did Hannibal invade Rome? [OC] Well it was kinda hard to avoid, what will all roads leading there and what not."

"have a safe weekend everyone lol jk hail satan drink poison"

"Did you guys hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil"

"If kryptonite is Superman's only weakness, what is Supperman's only weakness? Leftovernite"

"Q: What do you call a cute little animal you keep in your automobile? A: A carpet."