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Joke of the Day

"Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday? Me: not answer any more questions."

"Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I'd like for you to look at."

"A skeleton goes to the bar and says ""Can I have a pint and a mop..."""

"What's the difference between a tribe of wild hunting pygmies and a Women's roller derby team? The Pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts."

"Excuse me while I go slip into something more alcohol."

"*judge bangs gavel* Ok let's reconvene after a quick 20 min recess *immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*"

"How do you tune a fish? With its scales!"

"I have mixed race parents, my dad prefers the 100m and my mom is Hispanic"

"Don't you hate it when... you spend thirty minutes searching for a video, only to close it two minutes later."

"I remember staying up all night waiting for Santa to come When he was done he'd pull up his pants and say ""See ya next year kid"""