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Joke of the Day

"Me: ""Hey Siri, I nee-..."" Siri: ""Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend."""

"What do you call it when you open a soda for a buddy who is in outer space? An astrofizzassist."

"And we're still calling it auto ""correct"" because...."

"Thank you for defining the word 'many' for me. It means a lot."

"Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you're.. Me: Gorgeous & you've been mustering up the courage to speak to me? HS: ..blocking the pickles."

"My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn't expecting I'd be dissecting so many white mice."

"My gay friend told me he loves living in Pennsylvania. He's never seen so many assholes in his life."

"Him: sex tonight? Me: Work put me in a bad mood Him: tomorrow? Me: I have a headache tomorrow"

"I think we could significantly cut down the number of different pasta shapes and still be okay."

"Why do vegans give good head? Because they are used to eating nuts"