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Joke of the Day

"I lay on the grass looking up at the clouds. 'That woolly one looks like a fist' I say, as Jack punches me again."

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"Do you know how to tell when Trump is lying? His lips are moving."
"[doorbell] 4: *opens door Hi, is your mom home? 4: she's in the tower mom: whispers from behind door ""no no no it's SHOWER not tower!"""
"Why doesn't Jesus play hockey? He keeps getting nailed to the boards."
"How many dicks does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one but he will be a real asshole about it."
"What is one thing that both Australians & Americans share the same view on? 1961"
"This ad says: ""3 out of 5 smokers die"" Apparently the other 2 become immortal."
"Why could the chef not cook a tree branch? Because he used a non-stick pan."
"Hitler on mining ""Sir, we are mining too many useless ores"" [Hitler rubs chin] ""So mine less"" [Grammar Nazi bursts through the door] ""MINE FEWER!"" [Hitler looks up] ""Yes?"""
"My boss asked me how many Galaxy Note 7s I ended up selling to the public. Unfortunately, I couldn't recall."