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Joke of the Day

"[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick] Hi, you left your number on my car. Who's going to clean this?"

"Little known fact: The toothbrush originated in Alabama. Everywhere else it was called a teethbrush."

"USDA steak inspector? YEP! Chuck Testa!"

"The Kardashian Family motto: Getting black men off since the OJ trial."

"My aunt is trying to convince me that I'm gonna have kids. I named my kittens lunchbox and cocaine Steve. No one is gonna let me have a kid."

"How many hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Hippies only screw in tents."

"I had an imaginary girlfriend for a few years, but she ended up leaving me for my best friend. He had a bigger imagination than I did."

"Knock knock. Who's there? Saddam. Saddam who? *Seen*"

"Why did the USSR have so many lower case letters? Because they aren't capitalist"

"Just took an opposite selfie of something I saw. Elsie? Otherie? Seeie? Oh, photo. Got it."