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Joke of the Day
"They say children are a gift from god. I'm totally wide-open to regifting."
Next Joke
"What is round, heavy, has 3 holes, and is often found in a gutter? My ex wife."
"[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don't laugh* 2 parts baking soda"
"Dear President Kennedy, is it cool if we start asking what our country can do for us yet?"
"Date: what kind of work do you do? Me: I dabble in real estate [Dad yells down the stairs] She visits open houses and eats the free cheese"
"They say that blondes are dumb, but I've gotten a brunette to marry me too."
"""LET MY PEEPHOLE GO!"" -Moses when the cops found the peephole he installed in the Womens washroom."
"Why is the Dead Sea a mod on /r/leagueoflegends? Because it's so salty."
"..... Ya see we at Microsoft believe in making computing easier! What could be easier for consumers than having only ONE choice of software?!?"
"What do you get when you cross a highway with an armadillo? About halfway across."