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Joke of the Day

"this is my son Mason. yes like the shitty cheap mass produced jar. i named him that because its a good name for my underwhelming baby boy"

"Why did Einstein refuse to help people fix their cars? Because his colleagues would call him the Quantum Mechanic."

"Why did the cynic fall asleep? Because he had a bed day."

"My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out. That was easy."

"What is at the bottom of the sea and shakes? A nervous wreck."

"Did you hear the one about the Rabbi who performed circumcisions? He never charged for his services, but he always kept the tips."

"My gay joke probably won't be loved, butt fuck it."

"Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon? Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army"

"I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during ""Ellen"" and telling my kids it was Finding Dory."

"I love timelines that are 100% unanswered tweets @ celebrities. It's like reading letters to Santa."