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Joke of the Day

"[On stage at comedy club] ""Doritos: 11 chips per serving"" *audience erupts in laughter* ""Oreos: 3 cookies per serving"" *audience loses it*"

"How are fat girls and mopeds similar? They are fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to find out."

"What should you do if you come across a tiger while in the jungle? Wipe it off and apologize."

"CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News."

"Maybe it's just the mushrooms talking, but I should probably write down everything they say."

"(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush) Scientist 1: This thing sucks Scientist 2: Yeah! S1: It's hogging all the hedges! S2: Wait."

"Why did they go from Windows 8 to Windows 10? Cause Seven ate Windows 9"

"I'm 89% certain I'm technically still dating at least 3 women from the late 90's early 2000's cause I left for beer and never came back"

"A spic and a nigger are falling from the top of the empire states building. Who hits the ground first? Who cares?"

"Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside Wife: What's wron- Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE [a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]"