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Joke of the Day

"Gift cards are another way of saying, don't spend this on dope."

"Why couldn't the quadrilateral comb out her daughters hair? Because it was a wrecked tangle"

"I have Capri Sun and pudding in my fridge which proves I'm four or poor."

"If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they'll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you'll have enough money to buy an orange."

"Did you hear about the French boat with five holes in it? It cinq!"

"I know you've been here. I can smell you, still taste you on my lips. I crave more, but it's over now. Also, you're a donut. And I ate you."

"You know what's a weird Irish name? Patty O'furniture."

"I added Paul Walker on Xbox Live He spends a lot of time on the dashboard."

"Rick Astley's movie collection... You can ask to borrow any movie from Rick Astley except for one. He's never gonna give you Up."

"INTERVIEWER: How would you define yourself? ME: *don't let her know you're a delicious chocolate cake* Moist"