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Joke of the Day

"Today's workout. Light weights. 1 hour parkouring rooftops on my block. It's surprising how many people have skylights in their bathrooms."

"*at casino* When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both. It will leave him speechless."

"In six years, people will be able to have cybernetic eyes installed in the back of their head... ...because hindsight is 2020."

"Here's how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks: Lying."

"What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb."

"If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump were in a car crash, who would survive? America"

"Police officer: When's your birthday? Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy... ten dash four PO: What year? Me: Ugh duh every year"

"Did year about the phone war between the iPhone 6s and Samsung s6 I hear the S6 has an edge."

"How to make your girl feel special: 1) Write down how you feel about your drink or drug of choice. 2) Put her name on it & give it to her."

"I removed my windshield wipers and now I don't get parking tickets. Suck it."