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Joke of the Day

"Atoms are Liars... They make up everything."

"wife: Do you want a bowl? me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?"

"HORSE: *walks into a bar* BARTENDER: Why the long face? HORSE: Updog BARTENDER: What's updog? HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar"

"I forgot I had an ambien in my back pocket Now my ass is asleep"

"What did Matthew McConaughey say when he saw this year's Oscar nominees? All white, all white, all whiiiiiiiite..."

"Sure, I'll help you find those paper cuts. -Purell"

"I like my coffee like I like my men Black and shot twice"

"They say the average male has sex 89 times per year. Though, I heard that result was just because one guy had sex 17.7 billion times in the year the data was collected."

"I hosted my very first orgy last night and it was a total disaster Nobody came."

"A Joke I Thought Up in Stats Why didn't the scientist tell his colleague the t-value of a test with 21 degrees of freedom and a p-value of 5%? It was a t-crit! Thank you and goodnight!"