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Joke of the Day

"I told my lawyer I wanted to seek the death penalty against my wife. He said that's not how a divorce works."

"An apple a day keeps the doctors away! With that logic a bullet a day should keep the retards away!"

"Well son, your mom was the prettiest lady at that entire Gathering of the Juggalos, and I would've traded THREE wallet chains to be with her"

"me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone [doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs? me: im trying to tell you"

"What do you call it when you shoot 49 hot loads in people at a gay bar? An Orlando ~~black~~ *white* sheet party..."

"""How did you sleep?"" ""On my back, mostly. At one point I tried to climb into my dryer but I couldn't fit."""

"""Is this seat Taken?"" - Guy who confuses Liam Neeson movies with a chair."

"God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth. Then God made the earth round.....and he laughed and laughed and laughed."

"THERE IS A THIN LINE BETWEEN 911.. AND 9/11"

"What did one motherfucker say to the other motherfucker? Hows it going motherfucker"