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Joke of the Day

"Heart attack When is the worst possible time to have a heart attack? When you are playing Charades."

"I only have one cardinal rule... Never feed them past 9, because if you do they'll be up and chirping all night"

"*nose hairs growing out of control *buys tiny scissors *jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs"

"The wall clock at work seems to be stuck on half past f*ck this sh*t o' clock."

"The best part about twitter is that it is completely satisfying on a deep emotional level and in no way makes me feel empty inside."

"Why didn't they punish the student who hung himself? He was already suspended."

"So when a cat pounces on a stranger's lap and demands tickles it's ""cute"" but when I do it I'm ""causing trouble in Starbucks"" again. Jeez!"

"Hub: You ready to go? Me: In a minute, I'm beating the kids. [Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]"

"What do you call a flesh light powered by your smartphone? iFap"

"What kind of overalls does mario wear? Denim, denim, denim"