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Joke of the Day

"I'm staying at a hotel w/ a 'hotel dog' that guests can walk & pet. Which is 1. adorable and 2. proof that the gov't can access my dreams."

"Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there's a cop hiding in the bushes"

"Act now to enjoy a false sense of urgency!"

"How does a Priest find a little boy in the woods? Very exciting"

"I rang up British Telecom, I said, ""I want to report a nuisance caller"", he said ""Not you again"". "

"Q: How can you tell the dumbest actress working on a movie? A: She's the one sleeping with the writer."

"I was in the supermarket and I thought I saw my name on a loaf of bread. I looked again and it said ""thick cut""."

"You hang Up. ""No you hang Up."" No YOU hang Up. ""No YOU hang Up."" - couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters"

"*hires sky writer* I K N O W Y O U A T E T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P. I W A N T A D I V O R C E K A R E N."

"wife: ""remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?"" me: [making cup of tea] ""no im not"" burglar: ""two sugars please"""