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Joke of the Day

"I'm that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards."

"How do you trap an elephant?! You first dig a hole, second, you fill the hole with ashes, also throw some peas in there. When the elephant stops to take a pea, you kick it in the ash hole."

"A lettuce, a tomato and a pumpkin had a race The pumpkin fell down squash. The tomato tried to ketchup, but the lettuce came out ahead"

"When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It's a, ""shit and run""."

"My friend got into the final of the Suit Olympics. He's worried he's gonna tie, but I told him not to worry if he wins or not."

"No Carl, I said ""lick her"" not wicker. Put the patio furniture away."

"What was Jesus never thankful for? Fridays."

"I feel sorry for Bruce Jenner. He should have never admitted that he is a Republican. Some things are just better kept in the closet."

"You see me driving 'round town with your Alzheimer's mom and she's like, forget you."

"This tweet has been downloaded to your system and is now scanning your hard drive for copyrighted material. Stand by. SCANNING - 23%"