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Joke of the Day

"Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jagermeister & I didn't spill a drop. Him: Well, how'd you do that? Me: I kept my mouth shut.."

"My friend asked me to make a joke about Yttrium. All I had to say was ""Why?"""

"How do you contact dead window cleaners? Use a squeegee board."

"If I don't make some serious changes to my life, they'll never let me into the gates of heaven. So who can teach me how to pick a lock?"

"When I have complicated problems I always ask myself, what would my imaginary wife do? And then I end up buying myself cupcakes, and shoes."

"I had an eight course Irish dinner tonight. A six pack of beer, a potato, and a glass of whiskey to finish it off."

"Conservatives after a mass shooting: ""You can't take our guns!"" Conservatives after a police shooting: ""But he had a gun!"" I'm confused."

"How do spies eat their waffles? Syruptitiously!"

"First Michael Jackson, and now Neil Armstrong.... The world is running out of moonwalkers"

"Recently developed melanoma on my cheek, so I quickly went to the dermatologist. Turns out I just fell asleep on a chocolate chip."