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Joke of the Day

"[first day as tour guide in New York] Me: that's the Statue of Liberty Guy: what is she clutching Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty"

"So a termite walks into a bar. He then proceeds to ask, ""where's the bar tender""?"

"A guy walks into a doctors office with a carrot in his ear and a piece of celery up his nose. The doctor told him he wasn't eating right."

"What's wet on the inside, hairy on the outside, starts with C and ends in T? Coconut."

"My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights."

"Boss:""I'll need those projections done Aesop!"" Me:""You mean ASAP?"" Boss:""No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson."""

"6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don't worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?"

"What kind of education does a horny mathematician impart? Sets education."

"apparently some people have been using wind to take the leaves from my frontyard and put them other places. they are still mine regardles"

"If you only see one movie this summer, maybe see more movies, they're great!"