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Joke of the Day

"My daughter is the perfect height for using an umbrella to simultaneously keep her dry and for me to lose an eye from one of its corners"

"How do you seperate the men from the boys? A crowbar."

"Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler. Me: ...I thought her arm was on fire. Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes."

"I don't always roll a joint but when I do, It's my ankle"

"Did you hear about the blonde actress that stabbed her husband with a fork? Reese something... Reese Witherspoon? No with her fork!"

"Why do cowboys have foreskin? So they have a place to put there chewing tobacco when brushing their teeth"

"What does a sperm whale say after getting a massage? (NSFW) You're whale-cum!"

"Turns out it wasn't vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka."

"So many people are worried that The Walking Dead could happen and I'm over here terrified that Idiocracy is actually happening."

"(NSFW) I was eating pussy when... I tasted horse semen. It was only then that I realized how my sister had died."