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Joke of the Day

"Me: ""The only person I need in my life is you."" Bartender: ""Please stop trying to hold my hand."""

"Did you hear about the guy who got his whole left side cut off? He died instantly."

"Wtf I feel like I pay these bills every month."

"Winning the Lottery by Jack Potts"

"I'm white, but not ""tell people that life is beautiful"" white."

"I said to this bloke,""I'm going to be performing in the play *Hamlet* at a local theatre."" He said,""Are you being facetious?"" I said,""No- Polonius."""

"days 'til xmas Today is December 10th, there is is only 14 shoplifting days til xmas. Now get out there"

"*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror* *dad walks past* *dad double takes* *im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*"

"What's the difference between a Chinese man and a lobster under a bus? Nothing. They're both crustacians."

"What did the Mooslim say to the Nazi? Don't you hate it when a few bad apples make us all look bad?"