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Joke of the Day

"*phone rings* Wife: Quick! Pretend I'm not in!"" Me: *dresses baby up in Superman costume & duct tapes him to ceiling fan* Wife - ""...."""""

"If a gay guy jumps on your back... do you leave him there, or do you beat him off?"

"How much time did you spend on your hair before you took a selfie of your boobs?"

"I went to the zoo today. The only animal they had was a dog. It was a Shitzu."

"Lawrence starts cooking Lawrence checks Twitter Lawrence smells smoke Lawrence Fishburne"

"What do you call a potato with no limbs? An amputater"

"Listen auto-correct, I've never tweeted about a duck. But I've tweeted the word fuck over 2648 times. Smart phone my ass."

"What do you call a vegetable optometrist? A sea cucumber."

"In regards to the recent ruble crash in Russia A Russian boy asks his father ""Daddy, can I have 5 ruble for buy milk bread and vodka?"" His father replies ""20 ruble? What you need 50 ruble for?"""

"Q: How did the redneck find his sister in the woods? A: Pretty hot"