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Joke of the Day

"What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator was opened? ""Close that damn door! Can't you see I'm dressing??"""

"Birth control??? Here watch my kids for 10 minutes."

"Our cats aren't enjoying the 90-degree heat. But I refuse to apologize for climate change until they apologize for pissing on the carpet."

"What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky."

"Did you hear about the guy who broke into Tiger Woods' house? Took a lot of balls."

"Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis. Contestant: What is love? *dance party erupts*"

"My friend is like a Jew during WWII In the closet."

"A vegan, an atheist, and a crossfitter walk into a bar... They've all heard this joke before."

"What do you call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for thousands of years? [X-post from /r/SacrilegiousHumor] Church"

"My friend and I saw a hobo sleeping in the park with a memory foam pillow... My friend turned to me and said, ""What a truly lucky man!"""