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Joke of the Day

"TDIL: Why Arizona gets so hot. Because they don't observe daylight saving time the heat of the day is compressed into fewer hours."

"Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB"

"I object to female genital mutilation. It is hard enough find a clitoris with having to scrabble through the skip bin behind a Somali mosque."

"It's hard to explain puns... It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally."

"What do you call a female clown? April Fools"

"[meeting with boss] ""I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday."" ""I DON'T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!"""

"I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat."

"I had a terrible cross-eyed teacher in primary schoool She could never keep her pupils under control."

"*girl calls me daddy* *hammer appears in my hand* ""oh no"" *I start building a deck* ""what have you done"" *grill turns itself on*"

"Me: Cleaning the basement. 12yo boy: Let me know if u need help. 13yo girl: Let me know when you're done. Yep...throwing out HER crap."