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Joke of the Day

"Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages: 1. instant gratification 2. sense of impatient entitlement 3. misunderstanding of basic math"

"How come the dog never finished his game? He was stuck on paws. Forgive me reddit senpai"

"What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller."

"What do you call someone without a Liver? Deader."

"[ordering pizza alone] Yeah I'd like a large pepperoni and *changes voice* A medium sausage *changes voice again* Another large pepperoni"

"Jared Fogle of Subway told his wife she didn't have to worry about the Ashley Madison leaks... ...he was on Club Penguin."

"Lucy fell in front of the train she screamed out for help ""HELP ME! I DONT WANT TO DIE THIS WAY!!"", so Luke came running over and cut her throat instead. Nice work Luke. You should be more like Luke."

"Need a new emoticon? Why not (V)(;,,;)(V) ?"

"Why did the girl fall off the swing? Because she didn't have any arms."

"After this week, Donald Trump is so angry at the theater that ... he's going to build a 4th Wall."