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Joke of the Day

"I said to my girlfriend, ""Please get me a newspaper."" ""Don't be silly,"" she replied, ""you can borrow my iPad."" That spider never knew what fucking hit it."

"What do you call a Jew with the pH level of 1? Hacidic!"

"Bought a Clap-On Clap-Off light for my bedroom Nearly gave the hooker a seizure during a rough session."

"[laser tag] Instructor: Dude, you're not gonna run out of ammo Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let's just agree to disagree"

"I'm at the ear clinic. My name might've been called out. I have no idea. PSA: The joke is originally in Swedish, tried my best translating it."

"It's complicated"" is just code for, ""I'm willing to cheat."""

"If you don't have anything nice to say, tweet that sh*t."

"I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug"

"Definition of a spider, to someone who is afraid of spiders. Spiders are just furry eight-leggedy things, think of them as two kittens taped together and you'll be fine."

"Sex with an optometrist can be so tedious... ""better this way or that way? This way or that way? This way or that way? ..."""