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Joke of the Day

"What did the blond do with her asshole in the morning? Pack him a lunch and tell him to go to work!"

"I don't use my power for good or evil. Mainly, I use it to watch TV, microwave food, and charge my phone."

"Science fact! There is a species of antelope capable of jumping higher than the average house. This is largely due to the antelope's powerful hind-legs and the fact that the average house cannot jump."

"me: I know it's over, but can I have one last hug? Please? Him: *moves closer. stops & sniffs* omg are you covered in superglue?"

"What thinks the unthinkable? An itheberg"

"Fred: let's settle this once and for all! *fred rips my face away revealing bloody skull* Velma: he wasn't wearing a mask! Fred: I know."

"Did you hear about the guy ducking charges of sheep rape? He's on the lam."

"What 3 candies do you find in school? Redhots, DumDums, and smarties."

"We are thinking about making chili for Christmas Eve. We're starting a new tradition called 'silent but deadly night'."

"Is that a bat in your pocket, or does my costume excite you?"