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Joke of the Day

"No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense."

"Speed-dating, but it's just me going from table to table stealing fries from unsuspecting couples gazing longingly into each other's eyes"

"If being a disappointment were an Olympic sport.... I could win the gold, have my father present the medal to me, and it still wouldn't be enough for him to be proud of me."

"I googled your mom last night. I had to open two tabs."

"Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 always follows 6!"

"Did you hear about the Penn State professor who went around in a revolving door for six hours because he couldn't remember whether he was going in or coming out?"

"I've just been to a concert starring the Bermuda philharmonic orchestra. Half way through, the guy on the triangle disappeared."

"Q: Where did the Martian put his teacup? A: On his flying saucer."

"Why did Jesus die on the cross? He forgot the safe-word."

"What did the boy with no arms or legs get for christmas? I don't know, he hasn't opened his presents yet."