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Joke of the Day

"My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they're building a Jenga puzzle. Have kids. It's fun."

"FRIENDSHIP TIP: stick your head under the bathroom stalls and introduce yourself! You never know where you'll find your soulmate"

"you can pretend to be a tortured artist for like ages before people check if you really do art or not"

"I'm going to start rubbing myself up against people when they've got nice food. If it works for my cat, it'll work for me."

"What do you call an extremely constipated person? Whatever you like. They don't give a shit."

"I just called the suicide hotline AND THEY DON'T THINK RUNNING OUT OF MAPLE SYRUP WHILE I'M EATING PANCAKES IS A REASON TO KILL MYSELFFFF!!!"

"Do they really need to add 'Alive' to 'Sexiest Man' or am I grossly underestimating the number of necrophiliacs in the world?"

"My wife said: ""Can my mother come down for the weekend?"" So I said: ""Why?"" And she said: ""Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already."""

"What do you get if you shoot a Mexican golfer? A hole in Juan."

"What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common? They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one."