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Joke of the Day

"[speaking to an attractive lady] ""How can a beautiful girl like you be single?!"" ""Dave, I literally dumped you 5 minutes ago. Please leave"""

"I like my wine like I like my women 9 years old and locked in the cellar"

"My dick was once in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me to take it out."

"Did you guys see Micheal J. Fox's icebucket challenge? The water was so cold , he's still shaking."

"When I was little I didn't mind my mom feeding me, the only food I refused to allow her to feed me was Alpha-Bits... I just didn't want anyone putting words in my mouth..."

"What do you call a rock climbing cow? A high steak situation"

"Why was the skeleton embarrassed? Because he had a boner."

"Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?nTeller: well, yes!nn*Teller shot in the head*nThief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?nMe: No. But my wife did!"

"Blood moon, shooting stars....I gotta move to a safer galaxy"

"""I don't know, do you guys really think the first rule should be 'Must Wash Hands?'"" early brainstorming session on Fight Club script."