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Joke of the Day

"Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?nTeller: well, yes!nn*Teller shot in the head*nThief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?nMe: No. But my wife did!"

"""I don't have time for this shit!"" I thought, as I sat on the toilet, angry, and late for work."

"The best vacation? Close your eyes and throw a dart at a map. Where did it land? Doesn't matter. Just keep your eyes closed and go to sleep."

"Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I've had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds."

"I had professional respect for you but then you said ""recognizance"" when you meant 'reconnaissance.'"

"Remember where to put your commas kids... There's a big difference between helping your old uncle Jack, off his horse..."

"I still miss my ex-girlfriend occasionally Sometimes I'll get to my hiding spot outside her bedroom window just minutes after she's left"

"TIL That Oscar Pistorius once opened a pizza parlor only to have it fail and go bankrupt. The cause? His car was always breaking down, so OP never delivered."

"30 cows, 28 chicken. how many didn't? 10"

"What does Batman put in his beverages? Just ice."