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Joke of the Day

"Hey guys quick question. Uh I'm in K-Mart right now, which aisle would be the best for me to lie down and die in?"

"*starts petting a random dog in the park when I see my ex dog walking past*"

"What's the difference between Jacob Sartorious and Hitler? Hitler knows when to kill himself."

"I realized I was an adult when I almost bought napkins instead of taking a wad of free ones from Chipotle. Almost."

"GENIE: you have found my lamp, so I must grant you four wishes ME: I thought it was three? GENIE: You need four"

"If you had a million dollars and gave away one quarter and another quarter and then another quarter how much would you have left? A million dollars minus 75 cents."

"What car did the Apostles drive? (Hint:Acts 2:1 KJV)"

"People say that asparagus makes your pee smell but its also true that your pee makes asparagus smell"

"In Soviet Russia... TV watches you. With much apologies to Yakov Smirnoff (who rarely told them). Please to bring on Russian Reversal jokes in comments."

"Why can't a chicken coop have more than two doors? Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan."