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Joke of the Day

"Inspiring to see someone lift himself up by his own bootstraps. But soon you'll wonder what you're doing at a fucking magic show."

"Just donated my body to science. I'm your problem now, science. And I could use some pizza and beer."

"I saw a man with a board saying 'Repent for you're sin's, the end of the world is nigh'. I thought 'That's a bad sign'."

"Yo momma Is so ugly, she has masturbate with a bag over her head."

"3 Year Old: Mommy, was daddy ever inside you like I was? Wife: Yes. But only for a minute... two tops. Me: ..."

"Why did the Dad divorce his wife after she named their son? She named him Oedipus."

"HR: Do you know why we called you in here today? Me: I'm not taking off my Batman suit, sir."

"A beaver was praying to God, and said... Oh goddammit"

"We're probably less than 20 years away from the first president to wear skinny jeans."

"What are the odds? Daughter: Dad, I'm a lesbian Dad: Its cool 2nd Daughter: Dad, I'm also a lesbian Dad: OMG! Does anyone in this family like dick? Son: I do!"""